A couple of weeks ago Jake gave his first talk in Sacrament Meeting.  He turned 12 in August, and they always try to get them soon after their 12th birthday.  The bishop called and left a message on the phone for Jake to call him back, but did say he wanted him to speak.  I thought Jake was going to have a panic attack right then.  Dante told him to just get it over with.  Jake said, but I don't know what to do!  I, of course, told him I'd help him write his talk and he'd be just fine, and he's given lots of talks in Primary, so he knows how to give one.  But then of course Taylor came in and said, now Jake this isn't Primary . . . I gave him the stink eye and he finally stopped talking.

His topic was "forgiveness."  We read about forgiveness in "True to the Faith."  This is what it said:

Forgiving Others

In addition to seeking forgiveness for our own sins, we must be willing to forgive others. The Lord said: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his  respasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:9–10). In the everyday circumstances of life, you will surely be wronged by other people—sometimes innocently and sometimes intentionally. It is easy to become bitter or angry or vengeful in such situations, but this is not the Lord’s way.  The Savior counseled, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). He set the perfect example of forgiveness when He was on the cross. Referring to the Roman soldiers who had crucified Him, He prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34; see footnote c).

 

Pray for strength to forgive those who have wronged you. Abandon feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge. Look for the good in others rather than focusing on their faults and magnifying their weaknesses. Allow God to be the judge of others’ harmful actions. It may be difficult to let go of hurt feelings, but you can do it with the Lord’s help. You will find that forgiveness can heal terrible wounds, replacing the poison of contention and hatred with the peace and love that only God can give.

 

So Jake and I read through this and started writing his talk.  We got to the part where it says it's easy to be bitter or angry, and he immediately said, yeah, just like in Star Wars when the Sith give into their anger and go to the dark side of the force.  I looked at him, and he said, yeah, I know, I can't say that.  But nope, it was perfect.  We left out a couple of those words, but he said, Just like in Star Wars if they gave into their anger, they would go to the dark side.  And here, if we let go of our anger, we go to the light.  Something like that anyway.  I don't have a copy in front of me so I don't remember exactly.  But it really was perfect.

 

A couple of days later, my friend commented that she had been thinking about Jake's talk and where he said that people don't really even know they've offended you, and we need to let go.  Jesus atoned for our sins, our hurt and all the bad feelings we have, and if we believe in the Atonement, we can let go of all of that hurt.  Jesus didn't say--I think it might be a good idea if you forgive some people, he said it is required of us to forgive all people.

 

I've been thinking about this too. I think part of the reason we need to forgive is so we can be forgiven, but I also think part of it is kind of the "refiner's fire" that we need to go through in order to become the people that Heavenly Father wants us to be.  Forgiving people isn't easy.  It is easy to tell other people they should just let it go, but for us--well heck, we've been wronged!  What is they say?  We want mercy for ourselves, but justice for others.  Things do hurt.  We are easily offended.  I'm certain I've done more than my share of offending, but really, I don't mean that.  Why would I think other people mean to offend me?  And if they do, well that's their problem, right?

 

So as I've been driving (why driving?  probably because I do a lot of it by myself and there's nobody there to talk to me and distract me), thoughts have come to my mind of times in my life when I've been offended.  So weird, because I'm not trying to think of them, but they have just come to me.  Some of these things were truly hurtful, and now I'm bawling just thinking about them again, but really truly, I've stopped and said out loud--just let it go.  I don't want to think of these things again, and I don't want to be hurt.  I want the Atonement to work in my life, and I want to forgive these people--just like I hope others will forgive me.  I can think of three or four specific times in my life when I was truly hurt by something someone else did--and a couple of them were really intentional on their part.  The others, maybe not.  But at the time, it didn't matter.  I'm glad time does heal things, but even though some of that hurt has dissipated, I realized that I still need to actually "forgive" them.

 

So strange, because I haven't thought about these incidents for years--one happened when I was 21--so long ago.  And yesterday, I realized that this has been holding me back from sustaining and listening to an apostle.  How strange is that?  I don't want to go into details, and no, the apostle had absolutely nothing to do with it, but it was one of his relatives.  So somewhere in my crazy thinking, I never really "liked" that apostle.  I think somewhere in my mind, I held a grudge against him.  Wow.  How stupid is that?  But yesterday I heard him speak, and I was so moved by what he said, and the spirit that I felt.  It makes me think that I've truly forgiven the thoughtless act (which it was--just thoughtless on the person's part and probably nothing really even against me--but I was young and pretty dumb), and now I can move on from that.

 

After thinking about some of these things, I have prayed and told Heavenly Father that I don't want them in my life or my memory any more.  I don't want them at all.  I truly want to give them away.  I could actually feel myself breathing a little easier after I said those words.

 

These were all kind of big things, but it makes me think and wonder, how many tiny things do we hold on to?  What a waste of energy.  And as Jake said in his talk, we can't possibly feel the spirit in our lives if we angry or bitter.  That's when we need to let go. 

 

I have a friend who's mantra is "Send light and love and let go!"  That's exactly what we need to do.  Sometimes it really is hard, because as I said before--we want justice.  We seem to want other people to suffer for what they've done, especially when they have wronged us, even in the slightest bit.

 

A missionary companion told me that when she was a teenager and they'd be in a group, she was always paranoid that other people were talking about her.  She evidently mentioned it (more than once) to her mother who said, how arrogant are you to think that people have nothing better to do than to talk about you?  What makes you even think they care that you're here?

 

I think if we could somehow combine those two things--stop worrying what other people are saying and doing (that generally don't even affect us), and then send light and love, and let go! we'd be much better off than when we think we're so important that everyone is concerned with us, and then we hold on to any offense we might feel.

 

I know people who hold on to everything, and they are bitter.  I know there have been times when I have, too.  Even though it's been years and years that I've thought about that incident that happened 31 years ago, I realized when I saw an apostle of the Lord yesterday, that I still held onto it, at least a little bit.  And other things--you aren't even thinking of it, but something will trigger a memory, a conversation, and the hurt is there, all over again.  Let it go!  I don't want to be bitter.  I know I'll be old, but I don't want to a bitter old woman.  I've known some in my life, and they are not pleasant to be around.

 

We will get hurt.  That's inevitable.  And we will sometimes do the hurting, even unintentionally.  Part of being refined is being able to let it go.  Being able to forgive.  Being able to look at that person, and forget about it.  I don't honestly know if the memory will be totally gone, but the hurt will, as well as the desire to remember.  How funny to think that we would actually "desire" to remember, and to be hurt.  But I think somewhere deep down, we do.  Justice.  We still want it.  It reminds me of the scripture that says something like, and they no more desired to do evil.  I always thought that was weird--what?  They desired to do evil?  Do I desire to do evil?  I hope not.  But I know I don't do everything right.  Just ask my kids--they'll tell you.  I think we have to no longer desire to hold a grudge.  No longer desire to obtain justice for ourselves, but mercy for others.  No longer want others to know that we've been wronged.  No longer be a martyr.

 

I don't want anyone to think that I'm now perfect because I've forgiven others, but I think I have let go of some things.  A couple of big things, and it feels great, refreshing, really good.  I still need to work on forgiving stupid little things that happen every day.  Stop being negative, and thinking that others are "out to get me."  Like the driver who doesn't let me in.  Oh big deal!  Someone commented to me one time that she didn't like the clothes that someone else was wearing and thought this woman was "trying to look like a teenager."  I just rolled my eyes, and said, oh big deal.  Well, I did in my head, because I didn't want to offend, but I didn't agree.  So now how do I be totally honest, not hurt someone's feelings, but not be on the negative side?  Okay, now we're delving into other issues.  Forgiveness is a big enough issue.

 

Anyway, I think I need to read more from "True to the Faith."  There's good stuff in there.

Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

So I came back, and now my blog looks even different than when I left it last time.  I just don't get it.  I figured out how to change a couple of things, but certainly not all.  Oh well.  I guess that's not the most important part, right?

Tonight I was talking to a friend about how cool it is to have big kids.  It really is.  Don't get me wrong--I totally loved having my babies and my little kids, and big kids come with different challenges than the little guys, but this is a lot of fun.  I like being able to go to movies with my whole family, not thinking that one child is too young for that particular film.  I like being able to play games with everyone, knowing that everyone can understand the rules and not have to be on someone's "team."  I like that we can discuss gospel topics more in-depth than before.  I like that my kids can go to scout camp for the summer and be okay away from home.  I like that my baby will be 12 next month and be ordained a deacon.  That means all the boys in my house will have the Priesthood--how cool is that?

Every time someone started Kindergarten, got baptized, received the Priesthood, got a job, graduated from high school, got a mission call, went on and returned from said mission, it's like a new level of family life.  This is what it's all about.  Aren't we supposed to love those babies and raise them so they can grow up, move out and be productive citizens?  I haven't had to experience the permanent "move out" part yet, but I know it will come.  I know what's in store in the next couple of years for us, and it's weird to think about it, but also really exciting.

I truly cannot imagine life without my kids.  And how can people have just one?  I can't picture it at all.  These guys are my life.  I was talking to another friend today about when I started working several (14) years ago.  I can't even tell you how many people said, oh that's so wonderful--now you'll get some "Sally time."  Now you can really be yourself.  What does that mean?  I'm not "me" at work and someone else at home.  In fact, I think I'm more "me" at home than anywhere else.  That is who I am.  That is who I want to be.  All the rest are different hats you put on.  At Primary I am the lady who stands up in front.  One little boy calls me the "lady with the lipstick."  Does no one else wear any, or did he see me put it on once?  I don't know.  I get to run around and figure out what to do when we have teachers who don't show up.  I get to make a few decisions.  I get to have parents wonder what the heck I'm doing.  And I get to have kids unhappy because I might not do things the way the last person did it.

At work I get to figure out problems that I don't have at home.  I get to sit in front of a computer and deal with people who aren't always happy or kind.  But there are also those I look forward to helping because they are happy and kind.

In Sharing Time I gave a little lesson on being kind.  Am I kind?  Um, my kids would probably say no.  I know there are times in my life when I've been more kind than others.  Sometimes I catch myself thinking and/or saying unkind things--how many times do I not catch it?  It isn't hard to be kind, but it seems to be easier to look for the reasons not to be.  Okay, okay, sing the song--Kindness Begins With Me.  Bite your tongue.  Does that really work?  I'll let you know.

Yesterday I weighed in at Weight Watchers and lost enough to get my money back.  We sign up for a 12-week program and if we reach our goal, we get our money back from work.  How awesome is that?  I first started in May last year--I lost 25 pounds during the first session and 10 more the second.  Then they decided not to do it again, which was over Thanksgiving and Christmas, so of course I just didn't worry about it and gained about 8 pounds back.  How dumb was that?  Then I started again this year, but had a lot on my mind during the first session (that's my excuse--Taylor was coming home), and I barely lost any, but enough.  Same with the second.  Not that I had a lot on my mind, I was just lazy.  Well, maybe not lazy, just not really diligent.  Is that better than lazy?  Not much, I'm sure.  Anyway, I lost exactly enough.  I was so relieved I can't even tell you.  But so grateful!  Now I'm ready to sign up again and really, truly be diligent.  I need to lose another 24 pounds in order to reach the goal weight they have set for me and attain Lifetime Status.  I would really be happy with another 15, or 20, or maybe just the 24.  Okay, fine.  We'll go with the 24.  That's really where I should be.  And I can do it!  I'm thinking thin.  I picture myself thin.  I try to think how a thin person eats--although I still just eat.  My thin friend leaves some food on her plate, doesn't gobble, and doesn't eat just because it's there.  I still have a lot to learn about how to eat, I guess.  My eating issues aren't really the right issues--I can't say I'm a nervous eater or a depressed eater or anything like that.  I just like to eat.  Food tastes good and so I eat it.  If there's more, I want more.  I like it when it's hot, not when it's sat out for awhile.  Maybe that's why people are thin--it sits out and then it gets nasty so they don't eat it.  Is that why you slow down?  There's a thought.  But what a waste!!!

Okay, I've rambled on long enough.  Enough!

Happy 4th of July, 2012!  I can't believe what year it is and how long ago our country declared it's independence.  So many years, and so many trials, troubles, wars and contentions.  So much good, love, kindness and generosity in the very same world.  It's amazing to me that these things totally exist together, but they most certainly do.  I see it in every aspect of life.  It would be easy to concentrate on those things that are wicked, evil or just plain bad, but I'm glad there are good things to think about.  I have so much to be grateful for--family, home, country and the gospel.  Doesn't every good thing stem from one of those?

I am thankful for two fathers who fought for our freedom.  They are both gone, but their memories live on and the gratitude is still there.  Grandad, in a moment when he was "back in the the time of WWII," was talking about going to war.  His son asked why he wanted to do that.  His comment was something along the lines of, "I wouldn't be able to call myself an American if I weren't willing to fight for my country."  I think most all the young men of that time felt the same way.  I am grateful for them.

Family is everything!  I cannot imagine what life would be like without my husband.  Every day I look forward to speaking with him (some days I don't really see him because of crazy work schedules), but generally we have a few moments on the phone during those days.   Tomorrow I get to see him all day long.  My kids bring such joy to me.  Life would be so strange without them.  We were married for almost five years before Taylor was born, and we had a great time together before that.  But looking back, it seems that our life together finally started when we had our first child.  The rest was just playtime and none of it really mattered.  Having children, raising a family, struggling together, growing, learning, laughing and loving.  Those are the things that matter.  That's what we'll be able to take with us and keep and hold forever.  I am so grateful to be a mother.  Jobs don't matter.  Someone commented years ago when I started working part time, oh now you'll have some Sally time.  Now you'll be able to be you.  What?  What does that even mean?  I feel like I'm more "me" with my kids than without them.  Of course it's nice to have a few moments to myself now and then, but working and being away from my family is not "me."  Even though I like my job and the people I work with, I'd much rather be home with my family.  I'm totally jealous of every moment I spend away from them.

I love my house.  I love being there.  Of course there are things that need to be fixed, updated or simply replaced.  And of course I one had a dream of a humongous house, but now I realize that's just more to clean, furnish and upkeep.  Sometimes I've visited big fancy houses and felt a tiny bit jealous, but when I returned home to my house, I knew I was home and I had such a wash of relief come over me, that I've never felt that way again.  I am grateful for my house, my home.  The place where we are a family together, where we can "be" who we are.

I think I've always had a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  But I think as I grow older and my opportunities in the Church change, I realize how important and how much a part of me the gospel really is.  There are days when I feel like I'm just going through the motions of being a Mormon, but then I know what I need to do.  It's like what President Spencer W. Kimball said: “I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away."  We all know what we need to do to bridge that gap, but it's just the doing of it.  It's so easy to get caught up in the daily "stuff"--all the stuff that doesn't really matter.  I think it's time to get back on the "do what I need to do" bandwagon.

I am grateful to live in this country.  I am grateful for my family, my home and my religion.  I am truly thankful to know that Heavenly Father knows me personally.  I have no doubt about that.  I am thankful for His love.

Well I'm trying to "fix" my blog and I think I'm just making a bigger mess of things.  It's been months since I've opened this up, and now when I do, the background is kind of strange.  The whole setup is different and I'm so lame I can't quite figure out what to do.  I'm trying!  I need one of my nifty nieces here to fix it for me, then I could just type.  I've felt strange not writing anything.  Taylor is home and I don't have his blog to work with every week, and I've totally neglected my own.  Not that anyone is missing anything in my life, since life just goes on, right?  But needless to say, I feel like I should be writing.  I'll post this and then see if I can fix again!